Forever Changed

Can you see the change in me?  It may not be obvious to you.  I participate in family activities.  You tell me you’re glad to see that I don’t cry any more. 

But I do cry.  When everyone has gone – when it is safe – tears fall.

I cry until I am exhausted and can finally fall asleep. 

I’m active in my church.  I sing hymns.  I listen to the sermon.

You tell me you admire my strength and my positive attitude.

But I’m not strong.  I feel that I have lost control, and I panic when I think about tomorrow …next week…next month…next year 

You tell me you’re glad I’m ‘’over’’ the death of my loved one.

But I’m not ‘’over it’’.  If I get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died.  I will never be the same.  At times I think I’m beginning to heal, but the pain of loosing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. 

I visit my neighbors.  You tell you’re glad to see I’m holding up well. 

But I’m not holding up so well.  Sometimes I want to lock my door and hide from the world. 

I spend time with friends I appear calm and collected.  I smile when appropriate.  You may tell me it’s good to see me back to my ‘’old self’’. 

But I will never be back to my ‘’old self’’.  Death and grief has touched my life and I am forever changed.

 

Adapted from Rhonda Wilson

11/5/12